The City Weekly (incorporating the Sydney Times),
November 12 - 18, 1998

if you ain't got it, buy it

I was at a Christmas party last year and, as you do, was chatting away on the usual topic that a room full of strangers find the easiest: "So, what do you do?".

Now, I'm the first to admit that I have a damn silly job: goofing off on the radio, the telly, and taking up valuable print space is hardly brain surgery, but what amazed me was that a lot of people I talked to seem to have jobs in the booming lifestyle industry. The room was filled with wardrobe consultants, apartment locators, personal trainers, party organisers, personal nutriontional advisors, style consultants, and a whole host of others whose income seemed based on turning the rich, fat and hopless into the rich, slim and beautiful.

These folk have carved themselves a niche market based on one of the best kept secrets of the A-list world: really wealthy people are incredibly insecure. Yippee! Forgive me, but deep down, doesn't that make you feel a whole lot better? And I always thought that 'money can't buy you happiness' was just my mother's way of explaining why I was getting a photocopy of a bike for Christmas.

After further investigation ( a couple of free beers) I think I had my head around the basic job briefs of the style gurus I had met. So, in the interest of furthering one of Australia's few growth industries, let me share them with you.

WARDROBE CONSULTANT: Remember that fateful day when you announced to your parents: "I'm a big kid now, I can put my own shoes on". Now flick foward some 30 years and imagine yourself saying: "curses, everyone at the meeting was snickering at my out-dated blazer, what's to become of me!!!". Enter the wardrobe consultant to smooth over all your fashion mistakes and make you the corporate high flier you know you truly are. Although if they recommend buckle up shoes I'd take it as an insult.

APARTMENT LOCATORS: Okay, I'll come clean, I've used one of these. But, hey, for a resonable fee, avoiding the nightmare of Sydney house hunting was a bloody good idea. It saved a lot of running around, as well as a relationship.

PERSONAL TRAINERS: Do you recall the gym teacher at school that you really hated? Well, now for a set price an hour you can have a slimmer, more attractive version. The main role of these people is to run next to you and make you look disgusting as you dry heave your way around the nearest park.

PARTY ORGANISERS: The days of getting a keg on and opening a few packets of chips are long gone. Parties are to impress and make contacts, not to see your friends get legless and try and pick each other up. Strangely enough though, both sorts still result in someone being sick over your sound system.

PERSONAL NUTRITIONAL ADVISORS: These people should be hunted for sport!

STYLE CONSULTANTS: For the truly hopeless, you can hire someone to totally remake you from head to toe. They will organise a haircut to suit you, the clothes, the car, the furniture . . . Hell they'll even get you new friends who won't borrow money from you. Not bad really when you consider the only alternative is getting a makeover on The Ricky Lake Show

There you have it. A quick bluffer's guide to the quagmire of personal style consultants. Next week a look at the one method of getting a lifestyle that we all sadly use, television. Until then, I'll see you on the stair master, darling.

-mikey robins