Choose not to
Okay, over the past few weeks we've looked at the various ways people go about getting themselves that elusive, ninties object of desire knoen as a lifestyle. We've looked at glossy magazines and expensive consultants but, to be honest, the one path to lifestyle enrichment that is most common is, of course the television. Lifestyle shows are the television equivalent of Paterson's Curse - once one pops up on a network they take over - and who do we have to blame for all of this? Bloody Don Bruke!
ÊBurke's Backyard is the Old Testament of lifestyle programming, the ground breaker, the touchstone. Okay, it was the first one that really rated its bum off to the point where at least once a week millions of Australians tune in to get landscaping advice from a man whose own sense of personal style involves jumpers that seem to have been designed by acid casualties. I've actually appeared on Don's show and don't let the Dayglow knitwear fool you. He's one of the smartest blokes in television, just by the simple fact that he knows most people would actually rather watch a show about gardening than get down on their hands and knees and do some. He has created a media empire which could probably service our national debt. He's also a rather nice bloke who only laughed at my backyard once (to my face anyway).
But that's the secret with Don - he doesn't give a toss if you rush to plant a row of runner beans after the show - wheras I'm convinced that Tonia Todman would be amazed to discover that the rest of us don't actually get our jollies from making napkin rings out of discarded dental plates. I once tried to convince Channel Ten to run an alternative show to Healthy, Wealthy and Wise but they said no-one would sponser a show called Fat, Broke and Drunk . Oh well, I suppose they know what they're doing.
Still, I think that's the thing that bugs me the most about lifestyle programming, the unbridled enthusiams of the hosts. Has anyone ever told Rex Hunt that you can actually go to a shop to buy fish? No boats, no hooks, no seasickness and definetely no slipping the tongue on that cute little barramundi.
Or have a look at any of the shows that involve carpentry. Anything harder than a book shelf and sure enough they come out with the immortal phrase: "you might have to get a professional in at this stage". Here's another handy hint: get the professional in before you think of starting. that way you won't have to pay the extra for demolishing your bodgie start to the job. It's reached the point where on cable telly they even have a whole channel dedicated to lifestyle programming. Try watching the Cake Decorating Show or The Quilt Making Hour. Just try it, I dare you. You'll be arguing for the legalisation of drugs befor the first ad break!
What this whole craze is about is letting go of responsibility. Rather than doing, we'd rather watch it, either on telly or in a glossy magazine and, as stated last week, if we do actually ever get off the couch it's best to hire an expert to advise us so we don't hurt ourselves. Me? It's all too hard, I'm taking the Zen approach. I'll be lying in tracksuit pants and T-shirt, drinking from the can on my throw-rug-free couch until it eventually comes into style. Which, of courese, it will, won't it?
-mikey robins