modern mysteries

Great mysteries of the modern world. There are many stories in the big city and some of them just don't make any sense. They become mysteries, legneds, peculiar events and phenomena that our ancient ancestors would have constructed whole religions around. Here are some that have caught my attention lately:

Where did the remote control go? Look, there's only me and my partner in the house and I know for a fact that she hasn;t had her hands on it for at least two years (the remote that is) - not since I gave her an old analogue mobile and told her to "keep pointing it at the screen, it will work eventully". Good men are bastarfs. So who keeps moving the remote? Why does it end up in rooms that don't have televisions in them? Who put it in the bathroom where my shaver normally goes? I can't begin to describe the pathetic terror that comes over a man when he loses his remote. I remember when I was secen I lost my family in a shopping mall. I was convinced that they were dead and that I was going to be forced to live in an orphanage where sadistic wardens beat me for sport . . . Nothing compared to losing a remote.

Why can't Kim Beazley's tie stay straight? He's a smart man. Well, att least he's smarter than the rest of his party and they can all keep their ties straight, but Kim's always seems to be wrapping itself around his sizable torso, usually to the right (hmmm, political irony). I have a theory ocer Kim's wayward tie. It's actually developed a self-preservation instinct and its skew-whiff nature comes from its attempt to avoid falling gravy.

Why can't old people use the automatic teller machine? They got us through two world wars, a depression, they made this country what it is with their hard work and mental skill. They can remember where they were when World War Two finished; they can remember for hours on end what they used to do for fun before television; they love to recall how wonderful life was when they were young and everyone was polite to their elders; and they've usually got some 12-hour anecdote involving some disgusting operation stored on mental instant replay with special attention to detail involving anything requiring a probe - but can they remember four numbers? Apparently not!

Why is it that all hairdressers have crappy haircuts? And while I"m at it, how come all fashion designers dress the same? You know the score. You see the fashion parade and after the super models in their expensive gowns have done their bit, out comes the smiling designer in a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. Could it be that the last thing they'd spend their millions on is their own ridiculous creations?

Ray Martin's hair? Yes, I know everyone makes fun of it and says it's a wig. But come on, would anyone have hair that bad by choice? Mayber it's just one giant pube combed back over and stuck down with furniture polish . . .

Where do all the taxis go? They say it's "change-over time". I say they take fares to other dimensions, as in "So mate, you wanna go to the Death Star in the Quasar Dimension? I'll just pull over and check the map".

These tales of the unexplained haunt us and confuse. I know that there are explanations for them but I I must consult the oracle to find their meaning and no-one will give me Mike Munro's home phone number. Until then, keep watching the sky. #

-Mikey Robins