Modern Mysteries

Recently I wrote about some of the mysteries of modern life that amaze and stupefy me - those strange phenomena that occur outside our spheres of influence, yet have such great impact on our daily lives.

Well, I must say that the response was overwhelming (well, I must say that because all I really got was one letter from a lonely truck driver asking me to perform unnatural acts with a length of garden hose), so without further fanfare I present More Mysteries Of The Modern World.

Why do they bother making disposable lighters in more than one colour? We all know that slightly embarrassing moment when you go to buy a lighter and tthe shop assistant asks, "what colour?". I mean when did these things become a fshion accessory? I don't know about you but I always feel tempted to anser, "Oh I don't know, turquise, duck egg blue, Bristish racing green. No, I know, hazel to match your eyes".

Who wants to be a millionaire? Who wants to go on national television and show what a thickhead they really are?

Is there a point when a mobile is just too damn small? If, like me, your (sic) cursed with shubby fingers, a simple attempt to dial Pizza Hut on one of those micro phones can result in a direct call to the Kremlin. Also, why make sometthing so expensice so easy to lose. Here's something I overheard lately. "Hey mate, can I borrow your mobile . . . yeah I know I've got one, I have to ring it so I can find the damn thing." Could it be because they want us to go straight out and buy another one.

Geri Halliwell's solo career. Go figure!

News programs filled with skateboarding dogs, windsurfing monkeys and high diving pigs. Okay, we all know it's cute, but is it news? Come on people, yes animals behaving like humans is very watchable but how news-worthy would it be if I started rolling around naked eating scraps and throwing filth at passerby? (Yeah, all right, not very newsworthy at all.)

The feigned media outrage at footballers getting drunk and behaving like yobos. Oh, my God! Football players getting rowdy. What next? Rock stars taking drugs; sumo wrestlers overeating; butchers wearing stripey blue aprons and being cheerful. When will the madness end?

What is it that KFC put in that mashed potato and gravy? Talk about addictive. Why wasn't that stuff discussed at last week's drug summit, and speaking of which, is summit just another way of saying "gosh, policy making is really hard".

I know this modern world confuses and bedevils us all and I know that I'm just scraping the surface with these offerings.

I just hope that when the time comes, Channel 9's Eddy McGuire will be free to host the television special I have planned.

-Mikey Robins