Unusual fatherly advice

My father passed away many years ago, but like most fathers he made sure that he handed down some advice to me before he went. Unlike most fathers, all of his advice seemed somewhat weird.

Here are a few bons mots from my dad.

"Never wear a hat indoors" (thanks Pop);

"Rotating your tyres can be counter productive". Okay, it's sound advice but not all that helpful to a 10-year-old, a bit like his advice when it came to girls:

"They look better with a hint of underwear on". Gee Dad, thanks for the future therapy bills.

His advice when it came to my possible future career paths was just as obtuse.

"Get a job where your employer has to provide the pants" or his other golden rule "never take a job that has no sitting down component", and how could I forget, "bad handwriting makes people think that you're creative".

He shunned gambling and his one advice to me on the subject was short and sweet, "if you ever feel the need to gamble, just tear up a $5 note and kick yourself in the shins", and to prove his point he took my pocket money from me and kicked me in the shins. How this was supposed to enlighten me I don't know, but come every Melbourne Cu[p I lose 50 bucks and kick myself in the shins and think of him laughing as he left the lounge room with my money in his pockets and headed off to the pub.

You see drinking was his one vice and on this subject he had lot's of advice.

"Never drink anything with an umbrella in it" was one of his favourites, as was "beer on wine fine, wine on beer fear", both of which are mottoes by which I live my life today.

Slightly more puzzling though was his affirmation that if you couldn't name to 50 states of America it means that you had had too much to drink. Puzzling because every time he went drinking he took a pocket atlas with him.

On tthe subject of keeping the rest of the family happy about trips to the pub, he also had some good advice, telling me "always tell your son that you're going to see a man about a dog". He was not really giving anaything away with this advice. By this stage I'd realised that if he was indeed seeing a man about a dog, our house would have looked like a vasting call for 1001 Dalmations .

On top of this there were vaious random bits of advice, such as "never buy anything that needs assembly", "any envelope with a clear plastic window means bad news" and "remember come Christmas fruitcake gives you wind".

Strangely enough, with this last piece of advice he was right. As, in fact, he was about most things, althought I didn't realise it at the time. I suppose one of the good things about getting older is that you realise that your old man wasn't really that weird after all, and the best part is that seeing I now do a bit work on television, the network buys my suits.

So Dad, if you're reading this, I've got a job where they provide the pants. I hope that makes you happy. #

-Mikey Robins