Paul's Monologue

(Season 3, Ep 2, Saturday 4 March, 2000)

Thank you very much! Welcome to Good News Week.

And the big news - it's been alleged that Sydney's Catholic Archbishop Edward Clancy was forced to speak out against tonight's Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras because of pressure from Rome about the crisis in faith in Australia. Yes, Cardinal Clancy has been feeling the hot breath of the Pope on the back of his neck.

C'mon - I mean let's think about it. It's the year 2000, doesn't the archbishop realise when you put your head in the sand, you stick your buttocks in the air. Or maybe the church is upset because it's a little too close to home. I mean did Jesus actually take part in the first mardi gras parade? Afterall he ended up in nothing but a loincloth, and a homemade tiara and it took him three days to get over it.

As confusion and fear about the GST grow like maggots in a nursing home, the australian tax office has recruited 3000 people, many from small business to form a GST army. That makes the rest of us GST prisoners of war. The GST army will go out and explain things that will be zero-rated.<pause> Meg Lee's popularity, Kim Beazley's leadership, and the chances that retailers will pass on price reductions onto the public.

And the GST army only have to memorise two commands. "Charge!" and <pause> "Charge 10% more!".

In Sydney some of our top athletes want to ditch Stadium Australia for the Olympic Trials because of the venue's strange wind patterns. The winds are so unpredicatable, some of the long-jumpers register negative figures. The athletes have had to come up with new ways to cut down on on wind resistance.

Cathy Freeman borrowed has a suit from the Canadian luge team, Melinda Gainsford-Taylor will be running backwards, and Nova Ferris-Kneebone has had a Holden Spoiler welded to her bum.

And in order to improve is aerodynamic profile, Matt Shirvington has gone to tonight's mardi gras in order to get some tucking tips from the drag queens.

Happily SOCOG has solved the problem. Stack the IOC delegates 100 high and 200 wide at each end of the stadium.It's not only will it act as a windbreak, it makes some seats available for Australians.

In redneck news, the NT governent has started a national adverstising campign to explain their mandatory sentancing laws and to counter crticism of their impact on the Aboriginal population. One of their ads says "Mandatory sentencing is used when defendants are showing no signs of remorse". C'mon I mean, if it was about not saying sorry, John Howard would be doing 20 to life.

The NT is distributing the information because people should be able to get all the facts, and decide the issue on its merits <pause> unless of course you're a judge. If the newspaper ads are successful, what about a series of tv commercials? Or maybe they could use Darly Sommers: "If you're ever ever policed, you're never never released".

And that's the good news

The Guests were


Julie's Team Mikey's Team

Molly Ringwald

Jean Kitson

Adam Hill (comedian)

And the man for whom the words "oh yeah that guy" are not nearly adequate, the media star Richard Fidler.

The musical items included

Sprung Monkey "Get em out of here"

Simpley Barbara -

Typed up by VellaB