Sunday Life, 26 April 1998

Animal Acts
judging by the demands being made on him, man's best friend should have his contract rewritten, says Paul McDermott.

"A dog is a man's best friend." In the transaction between humanity and an animal, dogs agreed to be loyal, subservient companions in exchange for warmth, shelter and food. Part of this agreement meant they would be called upon to perform unpleasant tasks. The most unpleasant and degreading of these would be to appear in commercials.
The world of advertising has entered a new phase, with an alarming increase in the number of animal-oriented ads. There have always been the Shirley Temple quadrupeds: "trained" animals bred to perform. Dogs and cats with shiny coats, good teeth and a carefree attitude to life. The kind of animals that, if they were human, would be inCoca-Cola ads. At least these creatures advertise products that have some impact on their lives: like chowing down on liver or begging to be wormed.
But these days all kinds of exotic mamals are working their arses off selling everything fromcars to chocolate bars. We have polar bears swigging rum and acting like Westies, para-gliding three-toed sloths and camels who get off on funk and afros.
There are many reasons for the popularity os animals: they're cute, cuddly and tell the truth, as opposed to human beings, who are all liars. A panda would never mislead you about the interior comfort of a car, an elephant wouldn't swim for a drink unless it tasted great, and we all accept the fact that polar bears are party animals who dig foxy ladies, bad jazz and getting pissed. I cannot deny the popularity of animals, but i am concerned about the psychological strain a workload places on creatures of leisure - it could be the straw that breaks its back.
There are safeguards ensuringanimals in ads are not physically mistreated, but what of their mental state? They're well fed and pampered now, but there may come a day when they're not needed anymore. What happens when the Daewoo dog has finished its hectic schedule of script-reading, shooting, performing and mall appearances? What then? What happens if a young pup comes along with more talent? After years of being the top Dog in sales, will he be happy to be put out to pasture like some stud bull? After the limousines, the late nights, the whining and dining, where does the Daewoo dog go? Will Peter Luck scout around dumps in search of our "Littlest Hobo" for Where Are They Now? Will he appear bloated or corpse-like on Oprah? (The Daewoo dog, not Peter Luck.) Will he end up as maggot-food and mulch like Skippy, Gentle Ben, Flipper, Rin Tin Tin, Lassie and all the others?
We have all seen the terrible effect that fame and fortune can have on people. Just look at Shirley MacLaine and Marlon Brando. Will our Daewoo dog swell up to the size of a Zepplin, lose loved ones in a bizarre murder triangle and write best-selling books about self-realisation and reincarnation?
In the fast-livin', easy sex, hard drugs and "dog eat dog" world of advertising any creature could lose its innocence, despite a willingness to be exploited. Animals will continue to be used in advertising because they're cheaper than child labour, most of them work for peanuts, and they have no conscience. The final factor is most important: it means animals will sell anything, even if they don't believe in it.
This is one issue that has got my goat and where we have to take the bull by the horns and enter the lion's den. It's not too late, the horse hasn't bolted, and if we're eager beavers we won't end up flogging a dead one. We have to go cold turkey on the whole animals in ads thing. Animals are sitting ducks for unscrupulousmerchants and if we don't take care of them they'll be as dead as dodos. So tomorrow, if it ever comes, I'm off to see a man about a dog. We have reduced their numbers, destroyed their habitats and now we force this final indignity upon them. How long will it be before thet bear in the woods is using Sorbent?

Hope you enjoyed it :)
Ruth

Typed up by Ruth, from the MOSH!! board