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OK, as I'm bored and have no life and lots of time, here it is.... Sunday, 19-Jul-98 05:45:09
Siren Call How would it be if we all drove ambulances? It would alter the whole landscape of traffic chaos, says Paul McDermott... This was the perfect conclusion to an unspectacular day: a traffic jam. I surveryed the world from the car window. The glassy-eyed misery of every driver mirrored my own. We sat in unmoving lines of metal and rubber, spewing forth carbon monoxide from exhausts left to idle for hours. We had one thing in common - we all wanted to be somewhere else - but there we were, trapped, our lives wasting away to the hits of the seventies, eighties and nineties. Then something inspiring happened. I heard it before I saw it, a clean, beautiful machine ducking and weaving through the assembled throng. This car seemed to skate over the top of us; it showed no concern for road rules as it mounted the pavement. Terrified smaller cars bunched together helping it through, clumsy vehicles bumped fenders to get out of the way. I became aware of the hierarchy of the automobile. There I was trapped in a second rate road muncher, a four wheeled death trap, while what was akin to automotive royalty flew by. Its tail lights disappeared into the night and we were left to contemplate its passing. We were stuck at the lghts, our meagre lives dwindling away, while this magnificient vehicle sped on, saving and savouring life. It had a graceful, streamlined appearance and sirens and lights and words written backward on the hood. It was a sublime combination of form and function. We'd all get to where we were going a lot quicker if we drove ambulances. Ambulance drivers must get everything done they need to do - I'm envious of the time they must save. They'd be able to pay the bills, do the banking and make it from one side of town to the other even in rush hour. Nothing would stand in their way. Imagine just for one day having all that power and using it for your own selfish ends. An ambulance driver would never do anything untoward, but if these people have nothing to hide, why are the windows always closed? I am, by nature, suspicious. If an ambulance passes me at the lights I have no idea it it's someone with a ruptured kidney being rushed to hospital or someone just rushing home to catch Seinfeld. Of course, I'm not so grim as to imagine that if the occupant was geriatric having a cardiac that the driver would whip down to the shops and do a bit of grocery shopping in the meantime. Everyone seems to be coming up with insane plans for saving this country at the moment, so here's another. It's a fairly radical idea but it could just work. I believe we should all drive ambulances. We should piss off every other car on the market and just make and sell ambulances. That way we could all get to where we're going there'd be no traffic jams, and freeways would be just that. I guess if we all had them it would defeat the purpose, but just for a moment, let's weigh up the pros and cons. On the negative side the ambulance is quite difficult to park. On the positive side you could probably leave it anywhere as long as the lights were flashing. On the negative side it could get annoying if the kids are always playing with the sirens and the lights. On the positive side you've got as much pure oxygen as you want. On the negative side with everyone ignoring the road rules, running reds, mounting the pavement, there'd be a lot more accidents. On the positive side there'd always be an ambulance around if you were an accident. So I think I'll go out on a limb here and suggest that every car in this beautiful, brown country of ours be an ambulance. Hell, it makes as much sense as printing money. *PS: I personally think the ambulance service does a wonderful and essential job and if I should be involved in some accident in the next few weeks I would trust that this flight of fancy is not taken personally. ******************************************* There you go. Funny as always! Lisa(H) |
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