Pithy Pundits

Being witty on an unscripted current affairs comedy show is easy, says TONY SQUIRES . All you have to do is come up with the right ... er, you know, thingummies.

MY television experience reads: two appearances on TVTV, in which I was interviewed by Simon Townsend and looked very much like Coco the Clown chatting to a coffee table; an audition for Play School, in which I couldn't stop my hands shaking long enough to build an eensy-bloody-weensy spider out of the egg carton and pipe cleaners; and a guest panellist spot on Good News Week last Friday.

For those who have turned on the ABC at 8 pm on Fridays for the past few weeks, expecting to encounter Judi Dench or Hyacinth Bucket, the slot has been filled by the leering Paul McDermott leading a game show modelled on the British Have I Got News For You ?

The local version, while still following the original's brief of dissecting news events in a way that encourages wit as much as accuracy, leans towards a baser, more anarchic style. In truth, it is only now discovering its level, deciding just where the lines are drawn. The baby of Ted Robinson, GNW features McDermott as host and Mikey Robins and Anthony Ackroyd as team captains. The remaining two panel spots for each team are farmed out.

The invitation for The Guide to appear was either a clever ploy by Robinson to ensure that the show wasn't bagged in the Spectrum TV column, a cheap thrust for publicity, or a charitable offer to see life on the other side of the camera.

I'm here to tell you it ain't so easy. We have all had conversations in which we have struggled to express exactly what we'd intended. We have staggered away with a head full of I-shoulda-saids. In programs such as GNW, your failure to find the right words is taped, packaged and shipped off to be replayed on screens across the country.

My preparation for the gig was pretty simple: read newspapers and trashy magazines and watch telly. Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing just which piece of nonsense will be thrown at you, leaving you at the mercy of your own brain. The gags that come so readily to the tongue after several shots of hard liquor on a weekend afternoon tend to linger in a dark corner of the head when you are confronted with television cameras, lights and a studio audience.

The team going to battle was led by Robins, with Melissa George from Home and Away and me in support. Our opponents were Ackroyd, Amanda Keller and the comedian Linda Gibson.

In our pre-show briefing, Robinson insisted that accuracy was unimportant, winning wasn't everything, and the important thing was to have fun. This immediately went against everything I stand for. Hell, GNW may just be a jumped-up parlour game, but it ends with winners and losers. I love to shunt visitors out my front door after giving them a right walloping at cards or Pictionary on my home carpet.

Our first task was to identify a bit of television news footage. From memory, I managed to offer 'nice house' and 'Skasey'. Actually, Melissa George might have said 'nice house'. But I was thinking it. Then I was confronted with the following list of tabloid headlines and asked to pick the real one:
* Palace gardener sacked after corgi eats weed killer.
* Prince Philip named as other man in Fergie-Andrew divorce.
* Royal love child bombshell ... I'm the Queen's Aussie cousin.
I should have regaled the audience with the story about the Australian Rules footballer who, it is claimed, is related to royalty after some outback snogging in the family. What I said was, 'Ah, three ... the third one.'

I warmed up, but didn't set the screen on fire. I'm saving that for next time. Afterwards, we sought the safety of the green room, longing for reassurance from those in power, desperate for any reaction other than 'the set looked good'. Meanwhile, the taping of the night's second show, to be screened this Friday, was under way, with the writing team gathered around the green room monitor riding every gag.

Me, I drank a lot of red wine really quickly. Oh, and we won.

-Tony Squires

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