Wimpy witches

Let me just start off by saying that I believe the religious tolerance is one of the cornerstones of any truly civilised society, and that many spheres of spiritual worship can exist beyoned the normal categories of organised relifion and they too deserve, oh dammit . . . okay, enough's enough - what is it with these witches?

A few weeks ago the American military recognised witcches as a religion. When I was working on radio the most heated talkback I ever had was with witches, celebrities are being open about their Wiccan dabblings and every couple of weeks some lovely white witch (dressed like an extra from a bad amateur production of Camelot ) goes on some current affairs program complaining about the bad press she and her kind are forced to endure.

Now, I like my witches evil, just as I like my vampires blood sucking and my zombies brain eating aand I'll be damned if a bunch of hippies are going to run away with my image of good old-fashioned, child-eating witches, so I thought I'd do a bit of research.

I went to a New Age bookshop (now that was fun) and bought some research material. Just one book, because I tell you one thing, these New-Age crystal lovers sure know how to charge a healthy markup. I bought a copy of Teen Witch by Wiccan priestess and "celebrated author" Silver Ravenwolf (I'm not making this up). She's also director of the International Wiccan/Pagan Press Alliance and, as she states, "mother of four young witches". Boy, I can't wait until they rebel against their mum and become accountants.

Now let's start with the cover - four spunky young girls and their male companion who look as if they're on their way to a Spice Girls concert. Then the blurb on the inside tells me that this book will teach you how to:

• "Begin your journey with the Teen Seeker Ceremony". Now, if I remember correctly from my youth, the teen seeker ceremony involved a yard glass and a grope before falling into an oleander bush.
• How to "Combine common herbs from the supermarket to make magikal formulas". I don't recall Woolies having a pagan aisle, maybe it's over near fruit and Veg.
• "Learn how Wiccan teens celebrate Esbats and Sabbats", which are a bunch of witch holidays Ms Ravenwolf says used to be celebrated with cake and beer but now most witches prefer fruit juice to beer . . . yeah, sure.

But we all know what witches are about - they're about spells, and I wasn't let down by the spell chapter, it was so spooky. There were spells to make your father talk to you more (just what every teen wants), a spell which you dedicate to the locker elf to stop other kids from breaking into your locker, the make the sun come out whe you're at the beach spell (oh please!!), and my favourite, the bad bus driver spell, to make your bus driver a safer driver.

In fact, as the book says in the front blurb, "All the friendly, practical advice you need for dealing with everyday life in a magikal way is right here in this book".

Oh, and by the way, if I've offended ay witches, I know that you'll laugh it off as the foolish writings of a non-believer, won't you? Don't make me do the Frost Giat spell, which involves writing the nnames of my enemies of a piece of paper and throwing it into the freezer (that'd be the the pagan freexer) and chanting, "Frost Giant, please sit on (enemy's name) so they won't bother me anymore".

Once again, I"jm not making any of this up.#

-Mikey Robins